Crazy Things Toddlers Make Parents Say

Kids are weird. Scratch that – Kids turn parents weird.

My daily phrases used to include a simple, “How was your day, honey?”

Now my usual conversations involve being forced to call my daughter “Captain Banana-Pants” (which is the pirate name she chose for herself.)

Any non-parent might find this humorous. But to those of us on the inside, this is no laughing matter.

When arguing over bedtime, I have to approach the situation like I’m negotiating a global peace treaty.

I may be using terms like “snuggle bug,” or “night-night blankie,” but I mean business.

The list of ridiculous things I say with a straight face is long. Here are my recent highlights:

  • “Stop kissing the shopping cart.”
  • “Why did you just lick my kneecap?”
  • “That was very sweet of you to tuck in that water balloon and sing it a lullabye.”
  • “You don’t need to wear your light-up sneakers to bed.”
  • “Your tricycle won’t fit in the bathroom. Nor do you need it to.”
  • “Please take my underwear off of your head.”
  • “You don’t eat ketchup with a spoon.”
  • “Get that bologna off the trampoline.”
  • And the No. 1 most-repeated phrase: “Get that insert ANY object here out of your nose.”

I would love to see the written transcript of a day in the life of a parent with toddlers.
Without context, we all probably sound like mental patients.
And even with context, it’s still kind of weird to hear anyone keep a stern tone when saying, “stop filling your hat with pickles.”

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